I Love You, Unappealing Nerd

Last night, I went to see Adventureland. Going to movie theaters automatically puts me on edge because I have absolutely no patience for youths or anyone else who feels like their conversation is worth more than the 10 bucks I paid to see the movie. It’s even more stressful because I always feel obligated to say something or at least throw some blatantly dirty looks. But last night’s anxiety didn’t even have to wait until the movie started to peak. It happened during the previews. More specifically, it happened during this preview:



So, no. It wasn’t the talking that did me in. Actually, for the most part, the teenage boys that made up the rest of the audience controlled themselves relatively well even though they might have been disappointed (the movie is certainly not what it’s advertised to be). What did me in was the concept for this super piece of shit movie that’s been made, I don’t know, a thousand times. Okay, here’s the formula:

Ingredients:
(1) Geek
(1) Popular Hot Girl (PHG). She can be a prom queen or a head cheerleader. If you’re lucky enough, she’ll be both. Big boobs and short skirts a must.
(1-2) Overly involved comical parent(s)
(1+) Adversary. This can be a school bully, former love interest of hot girl, friend of hot girl, or jock.

Plot:
Throughout high school, geek lusts after PHG from afar. Even though he’s never spoken to her, he feels like he knows the real her because, you know, she’s so hot and geeks can magically see hot girls’, especially the popular ones, inner sadness and depth. At the end of their senior year, geek realizes that he must tell her how he feels because he’s going away to college and he wants to spend his summer boning. But wait! PHG has asshole boyfriend/ex/friend who might stand in geek’s way. Oh well. He’s going to tell her how he feels anyway and in a large public setting because who cares about PHG’s feelings or embarrassment? PHG responds positively! Geek and PHG spends a wild night together in which the Adversary somehow intervenes. Geek overcomes Adversary and learns to be a man. PHG realizes what it’s like to be treated right. The promise of sex is made, if not fulfilled.

Realistic, right? Cause all any girl wants is an unattractive and insecure boy who wants to use your vagin—erm, personality to become the man that he probably will never be. Have you learned your lesson, boys? Set your sights on the most popular bitchy girl in school who you ultimately know nothing about and then… what? Oh, that’s right. Be turned down. And then turn into one of those guys (I know several) who seem to think that women’s sole purpose is to be two-faced (even though she probably never gave you any sign that she liked you in the first place). Meanwhile, ignore your nerdy lab partner who is probably right on your social level and who you’ve actually had a conversation with. Yeah, ignore her because it’s totally reasonable for a PHG to accept your love for Magic: The Gathering (she’s a stuck-up and shallow bitch if she doesn’t), but you should never be expected to do the same for anyone else.

Does this go both ways? Are not-hot geeky girls cinematically paired with the popular guy? No, because for this to happen, the geeky girl has to be secretly hot. They’ll try to sneak this up on you. Maybe they’ll even have her, yeesh, working for a living. But don’t worry. When the Auntie Anne’s Pretzel uniform comes off, no one would have any clue that she comes from a working class background and probably likes books. If anything, the popular guy only helps free the Queen Bee that’s always been hiding within. It’s just a reminder, ladies, that the world is your oyster as long as you focus your energies on men who are less good looking than you (date someone equally as attractive at your own risk). I don’t know about you, but my standards feel refreshingly low. How freeing.

On a side note, Adventureland was really wonderful, although I do agree with Blythe: Kristen Stewart lacks range. How surprising. Still, I get so excited seeing Bill from Freaks and Geeks all grown up and getting work. As I mentioned before this movie is not what it's been marketed as (a slapstick comedy). Rather it's a really tender coming of age story with an awesome (non-ironic) 80's soundtrack. Also, it's really nice to see a movie about people my age who are in similar situations (so what if their situation occurs the year I was born). Even though we (21-23 year-olds) are such a large and important demographic, few stories are written about us. Yes, poor us.

Oh, and fun trivia! Jesse Eisenberg, who played the lead in Adventureland, is this girl's brother. Now, when I see him I can only think of old Pepsi commercials.