Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Is it here yet?

One month out of the year, the redbud tree in front of my father’s house, the house I grew up in, explodes into a vision of pink that perfectly matches the house’s trim. Seeing those flowers is reassurance that spring has arrived and summer is not far behind. Today, out for a walk, I found the tree in full bloom. How can I study for finals on a day when the world is so obviously inviting me to slip on my best sundress and go tree climbing?

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Predictions for the upcoming "Sex and the City: The Movie"

1. One character will say, “It feels like we haven’t seen each other in years.” Theaters will fill with self-conscious laughter.

2. Chris Noth will be replaced by Benjamin Bratt, Bratt will be replaced by Jesse L. Martin, and Martin will be replaced by Anthony Anderson. Jerry Orbach’s ghost will possibly make an appearance.

3. Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) will wear a hat shaped like Karl Marx.

4. Steve (David Eigenberg) will literally regress into a baby before our very eyes.

5. Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) will be dressed in flattering cuts and colors to make up for the fact that she was made into the show’s least attractive character for its entire syndication.

6. No one will be able to watch Harry (Evan Handler) without remembering his threesome involving David Duchovny on Californiacation.

7. Samantha (Kim Cattrall) contracts HIV. God finally punishes her for all those years of sexual freedom.


9. Jennifer Hudson turns out to be a better singer than Beyoncé.

10. Charlotte (Kristin “BJ” Davis) is grossed out by something.

11. There will be an inappropriate resurgence of “I’m a Carrie,” “I’m a Miranda,” “I’m a Charlotte,” and “I’m a Samantha” t-shirts among your local uggos and fatties.

12. There will be a rise in HBO-based movies, such as “Real Sex- The Musical”, “K-Street” directed by George “Fuck you, I’ll make it if I want” Clooney, and “Bret and Jemaine Love The Pop Quiz Kid, a Flight of the Conchords Film.”

13. Our heroines learn that, no matter what crazy events occur in their lives, they will always have each other to depend on… then Charlotte is hit by a bus and dies.

14. Things seem like they’re on the path to perfection until crazy cousin Oliver shows up!

15. It looks like Carrie and Big will be unable to make the down payment on a house until Carrie sees a flyer advertising a music contest where the grand prize is the exact sum of the payment. She and the girls organize a song and dance routine during an intense montage. Will they be able to beat the all-girl hip-hop team called Rock Deez Heelz from the Bronx?

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

This dream is wet only from my tears

Last night, I had a dream that I was dating John Krasinski. A few of you who have tuned in with frequency may have noticed that I have an itty-bitty full blown celebrity crush on J-Kraz, so having a full night of dream-dating him should have been, well, a dream come true. But here’s the thing—when I dream-date someone, it’s never the fantastical event that it ought to be. The dream is generally about me growing tired of quirks that I once found charming or simply being bored by the dream boyfriend. For example, I once had a dream where I was dating Vincent Chase from Entourage. In it, we were walking through an airport and he was going on and on about the legalization of marijuana and wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise. I was all “I can’t wait till we get home to Los Angeles so that I can end this. Word.” See?

Well, in my J-Kraz dream, it was my birthday. He arrived at my party after a bad day at work and in an equally bad mood. Instead of mingling with our guests, he grabbed a beer and sat on the porch. I followed him out there, wanting to let him know how hurt my feelings were because he wasn’t enjoying my party.
“This is so passive aggressive!” I cried. “You can’t even forget about your own shit on my birthday! You’re ruining it!” And on and on and on and on.

All the while, he just stared at the sidewalk and nodded, numbly enduring my emotional outpour.

Serves me right for getting between this:

Monday, May 5, 2008

Project Freeway

I just read that Lifetime is moving their first season of Project Runway from New York to Los Angeles! GASP!

Next thing you know, they'll announce that Delta Burke will be replacing Heidi Klum and Valerie Bertinelli will be replacing Tim Gunn.

Remember, you heard it here first.

P.S. Please don't be threatened by my mad photoshop skillz.