Thursday, April 16, 2009

Shuster, you might just have to make some room

I’m debating setting up a twitter account. I know that twitter is old news and every blogger and their mothers have covered it, but I’m a little behind, nay, reluctant on the times. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t judge the twitterers out there, I just know that I will go bananas over it and waste hour after hour writing things like, “I just ate my third bowl of Raisin Bran” or “What would happen if I was given a chance to swap bodies with a turtle?” Maybe it could be kind of funny. I’m probably better in short form. In fact, I suggest that you only read one to two sentences of my blog per day. It’ll make more sense over time.

I don’t know what’s holding me back. I rock those Facebook status updates like a motha fucka, so it’s not like I’m all worried about being self-indulgent (this blog is evidence enough of that). I’m not afraid of sharing the mundane details of my life, either. In fact, I’m always terribly surprised when someone isn’t entertained by my stories about seeing a bee on my run or trying a new shampoo.

Chances are that I’ll be signed up for one by the weekend. I remember when a friend first had to “talk” me into a Myspace account (ah, when the world was as simple as Myspace). The conversation pretty much went like this:

PQK: I don’t want a Myspace account. They’re so trendy.
Friend: I don’t know, you should get one just t—

I guess I just need to wrap my head around how much time will be devoted to tweeting (right?). To be fair, I did finally finish watching The Wire so I got a little bit more time on my hands. It’s not like I’m some sort of nerd who’ll now use those hours productively. Jeeze.

Tell me readers, do you twitter? Would you read my twitter? Are you proud of me for not saying twatter once this entire post? Cause believe me, I wanted to.

P.S. Something awesome happened to me yesterday. It’s likely that I’ll be flying out to NYC to interview for my dream internship. I’ll keep it vague until I know whether or not it’s okay to be specific. We wouldn’t want this little po’dunk blog to ruin the chance of lifetime, would we?

Monday, April 6, 2009

I Love You, Unappealing Nerd

Last night, I went to see Adventureland. Going to movie theaters automatically puts me on edge because I have absolutely no patience for youths or anyone else who feels like their conversation is worth more than the 10 bucks I paid to see the movie. It’s even more stressful because I always feel obligated to say something or at least throw some blatantly dirty looks. But last night’s anxiety didn’t even have to wait until the movie started to peak. It happened during the previews. More specifically, it happened during this preview:

So, no. It wasn’t the talking that did me in. Actually, for the most part, the teenage boys that made up the rest of the audience controlled themselves relatively well even though they might have been disappointed (the movie is certainly not what it’s advertised to be). What did me in was the concept for this super piece of shit movie that’s been made, I don’t know, a thousand times. Okay, here’s the formula:

(1) Geek
(1) Popular Hot Girl (PHG). She can be a prom queen or a head cheerleader. If you’re lucky enough, she’ll be both. Big boobs and short skirts a must.
(1-2) Overly involved comical parent(s)
(1+) Adversary. This can be a school bully, former love interest of hot girl, friend of hot girl, or jock.

Throughout high school, geek lusts after PHG from afar. Even though he’s never spoken to her, he feels like he knows the real her because, you know, she’s so hot and geeks can magically see hot girls’, especially the popular ones, inner sadness and depth. At the end of their senior year, geek realizes that he must tell her how he feels because he’s going away to college and he wants to spend his summer boning. But wait! PHG has asshole boyfriend/ex/friend who might stand in geek’s way. Oh well. He’s going to tell her how he feels anyway and in a large public setting because who cares about PHG’s feelings or embarrassment? PHG responds positively! Geek and PHG spends a wild night together in which the Adversary somehow intervenes. Geek overcomes Adversary and learns to be a man. PHG realizes what it’s like to be treated right. The promise of sex is made, if not fulfilled.

Realistic, right? Cause all any girl wants is an unattractive and insecure boy who wants to use your vagin—erm, personality to become the man that he probably will never be. Have you learned your lesson, boys? Set your sights on the most popular bitchy girl in school who you ultimately know nothing about and then… what? Oh, that’s right. Be turned down. And then turn into one of those guys (I know several) who seem to think that women’s sole purpose is to be two-faced (even though she probably never gave you any sign that she liked you in the first place). Meanwhile, ignore your nerdy lab partner who is probably right on your social level and who you’ve actually had a conversation with. Yeah, ignore her because it’s totally reasonable for a PHG to accept your love for Magic: The Gathering (she’s a stuck-up and shallow bitch if she doesn’t), but you should never be expected to do the same for anyone else.

Does this go both ways? Are not-hot geeky girls cinematically paired with the popular guy? No, because for this to happen, the geeky girl has to be secretly hot. They’ll try to sneak this up on you. Maybe they’ll even have her, yeesh, working for a living. But don’t worry. When the Auntie Anne’s Pretzel uniform comes off, no one would have any clue that she comes from a working class background and probably likes books. If anything, the popular guy only helps free the Queen Bee that’s always been hiding within. It’s just a reminder, ladies, that the world is your oyster as long as you focus your energies on men who are less good looking than you (date someone equally as attractive at your own risk). I don’t know about you, but my standards feel refreshingly low. How freeing.

On a side note, Adventureland was really wonderful, although I do agree with Blythe: Kristen Stewart lacks range. How surprising. Still, I get so excited seeing Bill from Freaks and Geeks all grown up and getting work. As I mentioned before this movie is not what it's been marketed as (a slapstick comedy). Rather it's a really tender coming of age story with an awesome (non-ironic) 80's soundtrack. Also, it's really nice to see a movie about people my age who are in similar situations (so what if their situation occurs the year I was born). Even though we (21-23 year-olds) are such a large and important demographic, few stories are written about us. Yes, poor us.

Oh, and fun trivia! Jesse Eisenberg, who played the lead in Adventureland, is this girl's brother. Now, when I see him I can only think of old Pepsi commercials.

Friday, April 3, 2009

The PQK says the darndenst things...

Happy Friday, my pets! I'm coming off of a nutty week and finally have time for an entry. It's going to be mind bloggling! Sorry for the wordplay- like I said, this week's been hectic and my brain feels like a fried egg. Wait, I'm not sorry. I live for lame wordplay. But this is not what I want to talk with you about.

Often times, the voice inside my head doesn't sound like the voice that ends up coming out of my mouth (somehow this sounds so vulgar). I don't mean this in an "I hate the way my voice sounds on tape" kind of way, although I totally get that. I still can't listen to the recording of me singing "Leaving on a Jet Plane" at the 7th grade talent show even though it's been however many years since then. What I mean is that sometimes I'll move to say something and it will come out completely crazy. And these are just normal sentences like "are we out of milk?," not naturally crazy sentences like "what do you think a burger made of Candace Cameron would taste like?" (readers?)

The other day, I was in a coffee shop studying when some dude approached and asked if he could take my table's vacant chair. Nobody was joining me and I didn't need a foot rest, so I just said, "Yeah, sure" and then went back to reading Faulkner or what have you.

WRONG. That's what I thought to have happen, but what actually happened was this:

Gentleman: May I take this chair?
PQK: (snapping her head up, eyes full of crazy) YES, PLEEEEEEEEEEASE!
Gentleman: (pauses; looks at floor; looks at chair; looks at PQK; takes chair; walks away)

Other examples of this happening in my life:

In a public restroom:

Girl: Excuse me, do you have a tampon?
(what could be more creepy than someone who's REALLY excited to give you a tampon?)

Or sometime the slip is more action based:

Running into a classmate:

PQK: God, I run into you everywhere! (proceeds to walk into door)
(note: this happened to me today)

Does this happen to you, readers? For me, it's actually a blessing that most of these entries are typed. If anything is demonstrated by the above scenarios, who knows. I may have actually sung "does this happen to you" out loud, complete with high kicks, and still be none the wiser.

In other news, I really don't want to go to work tonight.