Sunday, January 3, 2010

2010 Winter Movie Preview for Geniuses

The post-holiday season can be a drag for almost everybody. It's cold, no one is buying you things, and there are no longer radio stations entirely devoted to playing the same four Christmas songs over and over again. I don't know about you, but, for me, going another nine months without hearing Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas is You is about equal to what I imagine being a dog in those ASPCA commercials feels like. "Throw on Adia and euthanize me now," you're saying! But wait! There are reasons to persevere! Sure, your life may not be worth living any longer, but isn't that why Louis Lumiere God invented the movies? So that you can forget what a piece of junk you are and watch things explode and people kiss each other's faces (all movies fall in at least one of the two genres, duh)?

"Now, Maddie, you big dummy" you must be saying, "the holiday movie season is over! And it'll be dozens of weeks before the summer blockbusters are released. Way to be an IDIOT!" Well, you're wrong. Some of the best movies come out in January, February, and March. It's SCIENCE.

That said, welcome to The Pop Quiz Kid Winter Movie Preview! Let's get to it!

Season of the Witch

First of all, can you think of ANYTHING that doesn't make this movie look like the greatest film of all time? It has knights (totally in right now), horses (!!!!), witches (cause women are terrible ALWAYS), choppy battle scenes, and a heavy metal score. Oh, and a little actor named Nicholas FUCKING Cage. Thirteen year old boys (you and me, CLEARLY) must be so excited right now (which we are)!

Robin Hood

Knights! SO IN. Horses YES. KNIGHTS FALLING OFF HORSES TO HEAVY METAL MUSIC. OH MY GOD. If we had driver's licenses we would totally skip social studies to go and see this! Maybe my dad can drive us there and your dad can drive us home!

Clash of the Titans

dfgkjhdfgkjhj! Thank god I'm a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD BOY and have so much experience hiding my erections otherwise watching this preview would be really embarrassing! The good news is that the theater will most likely be filled with other thirteen year old boys because no SELF-RESPECTING adult would see this preview and think "wow, this is the movie for me." Instead, they'll probably be off doing old people things that don't include heavy metal guitars, like going to their peers' funerals or watching Hoarders marathons. The theater will be ours and we can let our boners fly freely!

Is your winter beginning to look less blue? I'll bet it is (unless you're a lame old man who probably doesn't even know how to work an Xbox and smells like musty loneliness)! You're welcome!

1 comment:

Librarian Girl said...

You totally give me a brain boner. Yes, that's right. You do.