1. One character will say, “It feels like we haven’t seen each other in years.” Theaters will fill with self-conscious laughter.
2. Chris Noth will be replaced by Benjamin Bratt, Bratt will be replaced by Jesse L. Martin, and Martin will be replaced by Anthony Anderson. Jerry Orbach’s ghost will possibly make an appearance.
3. Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) will wear a hat shaped like Karl Marx.
4. Steve (David Eigenberg) will literally regress into a baby before our very eyes.
5. Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) will be dressed in flattering cuts and colors to make up for the fact that she was made into the show’s least attractive character for its entire syndication.
6. No one will be able to watch Harry (Evan Handler) without remembering his threesome involving David Duchovny on Californiacation.
7. Samantha (Kim Cattrall) contracts HIV. God finally punishes her for all those years of sexual freedom.
8. OMG, SHOES! LOLOLOL
9. Jennifer Hudson turns out to be a better singer than Beyoncé.
10. Charlotte (Kristin “BJ” Davis) is grossed out by something.
11. There will be an inappropriate resurgence of “I’m a Carrie,” “I’m a Miranda,” “I’m a Charlotte,” and “I’m a Samantha” t-shirts among your local uggos and fatties.
12. There will be a rise in HBO-based movies, such as “Real Sex- The Musical”, “K-Street” directed by George “Fuck you, I’ll make it if I want” Clooney, and “Bret and Jemaine Love The Pop Quiz Kid, a Flight of the Conchords Film.”
13. Our heroines learn that, no matter what crazy events occur in their lives, they will always have each other to depend on… then Charlotte is hit by a bus and dies.
14. Things seem like they’re on the path to perfection until crazy cousin Oliver shows up!
15. It looks like Carrie and Big will be unable to make the down payment on a house until Carrie sees a flyer advertising a music contest where the grand prize is the exact sum of the payment. She and the girls organize a song and dance routine during an intense montage. Will they be able to beat the all-girl hip-hop team called Rock Deez Heelz from the Bronx?
3 comments:
#4 is so spot on.
You thought Miranda was made the most unattractive? I always thought Samantha had to wear such awful Mrs. Roper clothes.
Please refrain from pointing out how sad it is that I have an actual opinion on this.
amazing.
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