Don't say the A-word in front of my unplanned baby

Sitting over the breakfast table, I recently told my roommate, newly back from vacation, that I had finally seen the movie Juno. Rather than react with the expected “WOW! That’s almost as awesome as you are,” he instead answered me with an eye roll and said, “Isn’t that the exact same movie as Knocked Up?” While I shot down his comment and totally emasculated him as per usual, his comment did make me think about how 2007 did seem to be the year of the unwanted pregnancy. In addition to Knocked Up and Juno, there was the late Adrienne Shelly’s Waitress, not to mention a slew of real life unplanned pregnancies among Hollywood elites (and their siblings).
To clear this out of the way, I loved two of the three aforementioned movies and do not hate (most) babies. Still, after leaving the theater or, in Waitress’ case, my couch, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was abandoning my feminist roots in my enjoyment of them. Only in Juno is the idea of an abortion even touched on, demonstrating how, even in “liberal” Hollywood, an abortion is still viewed as a taboo procedure.
In Knocked Up, written and directed by Judd Apatow, Allison (Katherine Heigl) drunkenly has sex with stoner slacker Ben (Seth Rogen), who happens to bust a nut all up in her and WHOOPS! she gets a little pregnant. Allison is a successful and beautiful woman who is recently offered a job at E! and has her entire future ahead of her, whereas Ben sits around with his friends watching movies for nude scenes and thinking up new and clever ways to get high as his funds shrink rapidly. While Allison has multiple reasons to not have Ben’s baby, the suggestion of an abortion is only brought up once,only to Ben, by his friend Jonah and, even then, it’s only referred to as something that rhymes with “shmashmortion.” The thought doesn’t even once flicker through Allison’s pretty blonde head.

In Waitress, Keri Russell’s Jenna gets knocked up by her abusive husband, played by Jeremy Sisto (Side note: Does Sisto ever tire of playing crazies?). Once again, the word “abortion” is barely uttered and is only recognized when a bumbling Nathan Fillion (sadly not playing a some variation of Captain Mal) says, “We don’t perform… those… here.” In the film’s defense, Russell’s character Jenna is a sheltered Southern woman and probably doesn’t recognize the big A as an option.

In Juno, the girl who lends the film its namesake at least contemplates an abortion. Still, the clinic is represented as a cold lackadaisical place, as Juno’s head is invaded by the thought of her unborn baby’s fingernails. The fact that the precocious Juno’s disposition could so easily be punctured by anti-choice misinformed propaganda seems out of character as she demonstrates or at least creates the façade of a stable resilience throughout the remainder of film. I think that this would have annoyed me more had she decided to raise the baby rather than give it up in the end. Overall, I felt like the film was non-judgmental which gives it a little more room with my principles and me.

Like I said before, I really liked most of these movies. I have watched Knocked Up more than once and laughed uncontrollably at the intra-friend banter and rejoiced at the Freaks and Geeks/Undeclared reunion that the film holds. I love Judd Apatow and YouTube the film's special features when I need a lift. I have refused to dismiss Juno as the indie flick du jour and have recommended it to everyone that I know. I loved the film’s heart and didn’t find the characters contrived, not to mention the movie has a bangin’ soundtrack. Looking closer, these movies aren’t exactly broaching new territory. 2004’s Saved! is one of my favorite movies and is also about a high school girl’s unwanted pregnancy (this movie’s saving grace is its message of love and acceptance and the presence of my celebrity boyfriend Patrick Fugit).
The most important thing about being pro-choice is in the title itself, choice. Women’s choices should be both protected and respected (maybe this can be the chorus of my abortion rap, entitled “My Pussy Is On Lockdown, Bitches”), whether their choice is to maintain or terminate a pregnancy. It seems, however, that Hollywood is extremely biased toward the former and almost dismissive to the latter. Thinking of examples of big screen American abortions, only two come to mind. Claire on Six Feet Under has an almost-rational abortion (in the operating room, she is haunted by images of the fetus’ unknowing father (before we feel too bad, keep in mind that their break-up followed his affair with their art teacher)). Carrie and Samantha on Sex and the City talk openly and thoughtfully about their abortions and, by the episode’s end, Carrie realizes that her abortion was the best decision that she could have made (please ignore that these are both small screen examples). Canada’s Degrassi: The Next Generation deals with a character’s abortion and U.S. channel The N refused to, until recently, air it. Embarrassingly too old to enjoy that show, I had to watch it online.
My main worry is that young girls and women watching these movies will not even realize that they have multiple choices or, if they do recognize abortion as an option, that they’ll view the procedure as unseemly. Even talking with supposed pro-choice friends over a gossipy coffee session, I’ve noticed the disdain in their voices as they mention a friend who found herself pregnant and, making the responsible choice, had an abortion. The recent announcement of Jamie-Lynn Spear’s pregnancy sold for a million dollars and her show Zoey 101 has experience a recent spike in ratings proving that pregnancy is SO hot right now. Two years ago it was dogs, then it was Blackberries, and now it’s babies. You know what, I’ve changed my own mind. How hard do you think it would be for me to get pregnant by that guy from Sum 41 or Zac Efron, cause I really want one of those celebabies that are always dressed in Armani Kids.
While it pains me to admit this, none of those movies could exist if the characters’ gestations hadn’t been completed. Had Juno’s vag been vacuumed, she never would have met Jason Bateman and driven into the sweat-banded arms of Bleeker. Had Nate Fillion offered to baby-be-gone Keri Russell, they’d have never had inappropriate sex in his office. If abortions existed in fictional California, we’d never get to hear Katherine Heigl tell Seth Rogen to fuck his bong. So I give in, 2007 can be thee year of the kept unwanted pregnancy, but only if 2008 can be year of the abortion. I have just e-mailed Apatow with a comedy entitled First Trimester Isn’t a Trimester at All if It’s The Only One (I’m working on a shorter title) and am hoping to see the likes of Carrie Underwood and Sophia Bush gracing the covers of Cosmo and Allure under the headline reading “How I lost My Baby Weight By Having an Abortion” or “My Lifestyle is Too Self-Centered for Motherhood.”
Please feel free to e-mail me virtual pipe bombs.
For your enjoyment