Like in that Natalie Merchant song from the 90's, I want to thank you

One day late, here are my things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving:

1. The close vicinity of my extended family. With everyone living in the same general area, it only costs a short car ride and Tupperware full of store bought stuffing to be miserable. Just think, some people have to purchase $500 plane tickets to be around their Mountain Dew drinking, Cool-Wip eating, farting, burping, bad parenting, and over-weight relatives. I only have to drive to the north side. This also leads to a quick escape, spending only two hours squeezed between my Packer-clad uncle and depressed teenage cousin, pretending to like their Velveeta cheese and frozen vegetable casserole.

2. The writer’s strike. Thanks to the TV executives, none of my favorite TV shows’ Thanksgiving specials were on. I really appreciated watching Rock of Love and I Love New York 2 in lieu of The Office. Really, what’s the adorable and sheepish Jim Halpert when compared with Poison’s gloriously botoxed and wigged Bret Michaels?

3. Not feeling guilty about doing nothing. You know what I did today? I curled up on the couch with my mother and watched an America’s Next Top Model marathon. Yes, I’m lazy. Yes, I choose hanging out with my mom over hanging out with my friends from high school who are home on break. And yes, I am aware that it’s reality shows like ANTM that are contributing to the writers’ low pay, but we all have are vices. Some people over-eat, others smoke cigarettes. Me? I watch ANTM, fully aware of what it’s doing to me. Suck it.

4. Numbers 1 and 3 have led to this one. My immediate family. Unlike my extended family, I actually like these people and would spend time with them even if we weren’t related. My mom is the most wonderful woman in the entire world. My dad is way too cool for me (sometimes I get jealous of how many friends he has). My stepfather is the funniest person that I have ever met, despite his Rupert Grint mouth. My brother is incredibly artistic and creative. I am always curious to learn what’s going on inside his head.

5. Bourbon: neat or on the rocks. Frankly, whiskey doesn’t always go down so easy, but, after a long Thursday like yesterday, nothing makes me feel more like a cowboy. That reminds me…

6. Cowboys. They have been captivating me since reading Lonesome Dove. They work hard. They play hard. They die hard. No matter what, they look fashionable in snazzy boots, bandanas, and hats.

7. Argyle and pencil skirts. Really, anything that makes me look like a college student from the 1960’s.

8. Fergus O’Shannahan. He is my German shepherd. He is better than your dog. Don’t feel bad. He’s better than everyone else’s dog as well. This is because he is actually a person trapped in a dog’s body and understands everything that you say. He also hates the Chicken Dance.

9. My few good friends. Despite the fact that I am becoming more and more like Dwight Schrute everyday, they still say that they like me. My friend Rachel even seeks my company and takes photos of me so that I can remember my magnificence as I slip further and further into dementia. My friend Caleb will never read this, but he is one of the best people on Earth. We were next-door neighbors and made lots of bands and had some sword fights. I blame him for my inability to live in the real world because the worlds that we made in the backyard were always far more interesting. Veronica, Ames, and Dustin are my other three friends. They even made me an honorary lesbian. A special mention to Elly, Tom, Emily, Judi, the Harvest crew, Bill Haverchuck, Bronson Pinchot, and anyone else that I might have missed.

10. The polio vaccine and Jonas Salk. Nobody wants polio. You can figure this one out for yourself unless you’re a total dummy.

These ones didn’t quite make the top 10:
-Fluffy snow
-Me in middle school (I was awesome)
-Airplanes
-Various shoes
-The ocean and its terrifying wonders
-My house
-Breakfast
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and the many things that her show holds)
…And many many more