Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Sooooo Twiharded!

First things first, I am a nablopomo failure. To be perfectly honest, I'm okay/bordering on defensive about that. I'VE JUST BEEN BUSY, OKAY? WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU NEVER UNDERSTOOD ME! But now that's out of the way and we can move on to waaay more exciting topics. Like the recent release of New Moon. Am I right, guys? Forget Edward and Jacob, let's talk about Bella's dad. TEAM CHARLIE 4 LIFE. He's, like, chief of police, always has the funniest one liners, and his go-to parenting move is threatening his daughter with sending her to Florida. Talk about a man! And, I don't know about you, but this sudden urge came over me to get mauled or at least slightly manhandled by someone who loves me as I left the movie theater. What am I talking about- of course you know what I'm talking about cause you, like me, obviously forked out ten bucks to see this movie opening weekend!

And good news! I have finally found a forum for totally reasonable and not-at-all disturbed Twihards like me to get together and share how much Stephanie Meyer's AMAZING works of non-fiction in The Twilight Saga has effected us and bled (haha) into our own lives. Presenting...

My Life is Twilight or MLIT cuz writing it all out cuts into my Taylor Lautner collage-making time.

Here are some of my personal favorites:

Three weeks ago I climbed a tree in the hopes of being like Edward. I fell out of the tree and fractured my arm, which is now in a cast. I plan to try again tomorrow. MLIT!

when the song possibility (where the seasons pass and bella is despressed) came on I did the same thing bella did. I sat at my window staring out with a blank expression on my face except I was crying because I felt like a whole was ripped through my chest. I felt like edward left me. MLIT

I just had beautiful twin boys. I named one Edward and the other Jacob. MLIT.

After reading these, I'm like, I can think of better ways that my life is so Twilight! Like how, for example, I often brush my hair out of my face. Or how all of my favorite books come off of my 9th grade English syllabus. Just to make it official like, here are the top 10 ways that my life is the MOST Twilight:

10. My relationship with my father is based entirely on a fragile foundation of lies about my much older boyfriend.

9. I am a lady with no personality or agency.

8. I am not allowed to go surfing with the Native Americans. But it's because my parents are racists. And I don't know how to surf.

7. My school had a prom.

6. Remember that time that I was Joan Jett and me and Emile Hirsch played that song on stage in a trailer park, but he wouldn't date me cause I was too young, so he went to Alaska and died instead? And how before that I was in this weird love triangle with my mom and the guy from The OC, but then we went to the Triwizard Tournament and everything worked out?

5. I was about to get raped when my lab partner showed up to stop it. He blamed me then mocked me for wearing a seat belt. So romantic!

4. I used to kill people, but I feel really bad about it even though I still want to, you know, kill people.

3. I've started going shirtless, wearing only denim cut-offs. NO, I WON'T EXPLAIN. YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

2. My boyfriend won’t sleep with me because he’s probably into guys he might get carried away and kill me.

1. My boyfriend isn't real.

You see how fucking Twilight my life is? That's right. Pretty fucking Twilight.

MLIT found via Videogum

1 comment:

Sydney said...

Hahahahahahaha. I found you via Videogum and co-run
This is hilarious. Isn't is so great how a Mormon housewife who was not popular in high school has given such meaning to our empty, searching lives? It's like nightmares really do come true. :)