Sooooo Twiharded!

First things first, I am a nablopomo failure. To be perfectly honest, I'm okay/bordering on defensive about that. I'VE JUST BEEN BUSY, OKAY? WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU NEVER UNDERSTOOD ME! But now that's out of the way and we can move on to waaay more exciting topics. Like the recent release of New Moon. Am I right, guys? Forget Edward and Jacob, let's talk about Bella's dad. TEAM CHARLIE 4 LIFE. He's, like, chief of police, always has the funniest one liners, and his go-to parenting move is threatening his daughter with sending her to Florida. Talk about a man! And, I don't know about you, but this sudden urge came over me to get mauled or at least slightly manhandled by someone who loves me as I left the movie theater. What am I talking about- of course you know what I'm talking about cause you, like me, obviously forked out ten bucks to see this movie opening weekend!

And good news! I have finally found a forum for totally reasonable and not-at-all disturbed Twihards like me to get together and share how much Stephanie Meyer's AMAZING works of non-fiction in The Twilight Saga has effected us and bled (haha) into our own lives. Presenting...

My Life is Twilight or MLIT cuz writing it all out cuts into my Taylor Lautner collage-making time.

Here are some of my personal favorites:

Three weeks ago I climbed a tree in the hopes of being like Edward. I fell out of the tree and fractured my arm, which is now in a cast. I plan to try again tomorrow. MLIT!

when the song possibility (where the seasons pass and bella is despressed) came on I did the same thing bella did. I sat at my window staring out with a blank expression on my face except I was crying because I felt like a whole was ripped through my chest. I felt like edward left me. MLIT

I just had beautiful twin boys. I named one Edward and the other Jacob. MLIT.

After reading these, I'm like, I can think of better ways that my life is so Twilight! Like how, for example, I often brush my hair out of my face. Or how all of my favorite books come off of my 9th grade English syllabus. Just to make it official like, here are the top 10 ways that my life is the MOST Twilight:

10. My relationship with my father is based entirely on a fragile foundation of lies about my much older boyfriend.

9. I am a lady with no personality or agency.

8. I am not allowed to go surfing with the Native Americans. But it's because my parents are racists. And I don't know how to surf.

7. My school had a prom.

6. Remember that time that I was Joan Jett and me and Emile Hirsch played that song on stage in a trailer park, but he wouldn't date me cause I was too young, so he went to Alaska and died instead? And how before that I was in this weird love triangle with my mom and the guy from The OC, but then we went to the Triwizard Tournament and everything worked out?

5. I was about to get raped when my lab partner showed up to stop it. He blamed me then mocked me for wearing a seat belt. So romantic!

4. I used to kill people, but I feel really bad about it even though I still want to, you know, kill people.

3. I've started going shirtless, wearing only denim cut-offs. NO, I WON'T EXPLAIN. YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

2. My boyfriend won’t sleep with me because he’s probably into guys he might get carried away and kill me.

1. My boyfriend isn't real.

You see how fucking Twilight my life is? That's right. Pretty fucking Twilight.

MLIT found via Videogum

Carryin' the Banner

Children with open and hungry mouths wait in the breadline in 1992's Newsies.

I was once extremely obsessed with the movie Newsies. Some of you are imagining a little girl, excitedly bundled up in front of television and awaiting ABC’s annual showing of the movie. Her 4-10 year old heart beats nervously as she awaits the combination of her two favorite things: song and film. Maybe she has gone as far as to place a newsboy cap atop her halo of white blonde curls. Stop. I will now confess the reality of the situation. Yes, I did love musicals. I did dress up in costume. Cute, right? Not really as I was actually fifteen years old at the peak of my fandom.
Not pretty enough to have a boyfriend or wild enough to go out partying with the rest of my classmates, the summer after my freshman year consisted mainly of three settings: school, home, and my best friend’s house. In the morning, I would go to summer school because I had failed algebra the semester before. After class, as I was walking home, I would buy three large bread rolls and a Snapple green tea. Two of the rolls would be gone by the time I got to my house and the third would soon be slathered in mayo and honey mustard, then layered with turkey that I had found in the refrigerator. With my sandwich, I would drink my tea and do my homework, all the while talking across the table to my imaginary boyfriend. If that didn’t make me so depressed that all I wanted to do was read fan fiction on the internet or take a nap, I would bike over to my friend’s house. At her house, we would take a box of fudgesicles into her basement bedroom that smelled like mildew and spoiled food. Ice cream bar after ice cream bar, we would sit in the dark, watching movies. It was here that I was first introduced to the gripping and song driven story about turn-of-the-century newspaper sellers and their battle against Joseph Pulitzer (portrayed confusedly by Robert Duvall).
I don’t know why, but, for some reason, Newsies became an escape for me that summer. We chose our favorite characters, bought costumes and props accordingly, learned the songs, and even attempted the dances. All the while, I hid my love of Newsies with a shroud of irony. It probably did start off that way, but I soon found myself craving to hear Christian Bale’s weak New York accent and terrible singing voice wail, “So that’s what you cawl a fayyymly. Mudda, dauhta, fadda, son. Guess that everything you hoyd about is twu.” I did internet “where are they now” searches and watched the lesser cast members’ more recent movies. Did you know that Mush was in Mighty Ducks 2… AND 3! AND SISTER, SISTER! OMGEEE! Sadly for me, this also demonstrated how, unless you’re Christian Bale, you get less successful and, more importantly, less attractive as you get older.
I have moved on from those dark basement newsy days, but have carried quite a bit with me from that summer. For example, I carried the double chin and pasty skin, gained from my eating habits and lack of sun, with me through at least half of my sophomore year. That was fun. Till this very day, I will occasionally be watching TV and will recognize an extra, only to yell, a moment later, “Hey! That’s Crutchy from Newsies!” Sometimes, while riding my bike home, I will find myself humming ‘Seize the Day’ and yes, in spite of my better efforts, I still remember almost all of the words to each song. I am surprisingly willing to demonstrate this to anyone willing to ask. Another thing that remains the same today is that Bill Pullman still pretty much sucks.
Isn’t that whole scenario funny?! Yea? I guess you find teenage depression amusing. Way to be a dick.