Shanaynay says, "Oh, no. You didn't."

A couple of nights ago, I had a dream in which I was involved in a car chase with Martin Lawrence. I'm not sure who was chasing us, but I am sure that the dream was filled with a lot of "straight-laced white cop teams with loose-cannon black cop and comedy ensues" movie clichés. Having thought about it for a few days and momentarily gotten over how much I hate Martin Lawrence (Big Momma's House 2 aside), I've decided that this can go down as one of the best buddy-cop dreams in history.




On a related note, this is the first time that I've ever published a photo of myself on this blog! And yes, that is my real body and is in no way Monique.

This dream is wet only from my tears

Last night, I had a dream that I was dating John Krasinski. A few of you who have tuned in with frequency may have noticed that I have an itty-bitty full blown celebrity crush on J-Kraz, so having a full night of dream-dating him should have been, well, a dream come true. But here’s the thing—when I dream-date someone, it’s never the fantastical event that it ought to be. The dream is generally about me growing tired of quirks that I once found charming or simply being bored by the dream boyfriend. For example, I once had a dream where I was dating Vincent Chase from Entourage. In it, we were walking through an airport and he was going on and on about the legalization of marijuana and wouldn’t let me get a word in edgewise. I was all “I can’t wait till we get home to Los Angeles so that I can end this. Word.” See?

Well, in my J-Kraz dream, it was my birthday. He arrived at my party after a bad day at work and in an equally bad mood. Instead of mingling with our guests, he grabbed a beer and sat on the porch. I followed him out there, wanting to let him know how hurt my feelings were because he wasn’t enjoying my party.
“This is so passive aggressive!” I cried. “You can’t even forget about your own shit on my birthday! You’re ruining it!” And on and on and on and on.

All the while, he just stared at the sidewalk and nodded, numbly enduring my emotional outpour.

Serves me right for getting between this:

Where has my Sunday gone?

Due to some gray (albeit warmer) weather, roomie issues, and very emotionally manipulative music emitting from my itunes' shuffle, I’ve found myself in a good old fashioned self-indulgent funk and it’s you folks that have to pay for it. How? By listening to a one act play called “A Day In The Life: A Pop Quiz Kid Fantasy.”

Setting: A restored Brooklyn brownstone. The walls are all painted in vibrant yet tasteful colors and the furniture is a variety or refurbished vintage pieces. Oriental rugs overlap each other on the gleaming hardwood floors.

A man sits hunched over the breakfast table working on blueprints. He has the personality of The Office’s Jim Halpert and the looks of Pushing Daisies’ Ned. He is called Ned/Jim.

+


Ned/Jim (hearing the front door open): Pop Quiz Kid?

The Pop Quiz Kid enters. She is a beautiful successful young woman who is NOT a waitress or a student. She is dressed like this:



Or this:



PQK: Yes, Ned/Jim. It’s me.

N/J: I am SO happy that you’re home. I respect your need for independence, but I won’t lie. My life is brighter when you are here. How was work as at your hip progressive fashion/pop culture magazine?

PQK: It was great. I got a call from Jonny Stuart; he wants me to become a regular correspondent on The Daily Show.

N/J: Wow, that IS great.

PQK: I don’t know. Between writing that new movie for Quirky Director and these regular trips to Paris, I’m just not sure that I’ll have time.

N/J: Being the best boyfriend in the world, I support every decision that you make—Did you lose weight?

PQK: Why yes I did! I am really enjoying exercising and just found out that goat cheese, bacon, fried things, and butter are really good for me!

N/J: Just so I don’t appear like a total pussy, I’m gonna make some edgy joke right now.

PQK: HAHA, you are edgy. Now I will make a sarcastic joke in response.

N/J: Oh, PQK! You are the funniest person ever and I am not intimidated by that or your intelligence. How can we be so well matched?

PQK: Speaking of matching, I found the perfect dress/vest/belt/shoes/coat/hat at the vintage clothes store today and it/they were only five dollars! And I was given these high heels, that I in no way have trouble walking in, for free!

N/J: This is the most glorious life ever.

PQK: Isn’t it though?

N/J: I forgot to mention that I made you dinner and programmed Tivo for all of your favorite trashy programs. Oh, and here’s a pet puppy that I have already trained and will walk whenever you don’t feel like it.

PQK: This is SO us…

N/J: And I’m sure that we are not obnoxious or self indulgent to anybody who happens to be observing us right now. Hey, I have an idea—being two ridiculously good looking people, let’s go have ridiculously good consequence-free sex!

PQK: Can we watch the Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency marathon afterwards?

N/J: Of course we can.


And scene.
Cocktails to everyone who made it through this.